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 And now,,, the GREEN grin jokes ! ;D

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dzypherus
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Male Number of posts : 376
Age : 34
Location : Philippines(Iligan)
Registration date : 2007-08-20

PostSubject: And now,,, the GREEN grin jokes ! ;D   Sat Mar 29, 2008 3:50 pm

These
are All somewhat Naughty Jokes, if your sensiblities are offended by
such jokes, please do not read any further. If you have any objections
to these jokes, please let me know and i will rectify the same


Worlds most embarrasing moments
There was a World wide survey of "Most Embarrassing Moment in human life"

the finale had the following three incidents....

Third Place
"It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I
was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I
invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed
after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I
suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride to the
phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to
get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights
suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled "SURPRISE!".

My entire family, aunts, uncles, grandparents,
cousins and all of my friends were standing there ! My girlfriend and I
were frozen to the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what
seemed like an eternity.

Since then, no-one in my family has planned a surprise party again

Second Place
"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my kid
decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was
finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and
annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she didn't start
behaving herself right now, she would be punished. To my horror, she
looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you
don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing
Daddy's pee-pee(dick) last night!".

The silence was deafening after this enlightening
exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered the
last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing that I heard as the door closed behind me were the
screams of laughter.


And the Winner is...
This one actually happened at Harvard University in October last year.
In a biology class, the professor was discussing
the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (freshman),
raised her hand and asked, "If I understand what you are saying, there
is a lot of glucose in male semen, as in sugar?" "That's correct."
responded the professor, going on to add much statistical data. Raising
her hand again, the sweet young thing asked, "Then why doesn't it taste
sweet?".

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out
laughing, the poor girl turned bright red and as she realized exactly
what she had inadvertently said(or rather implied), she picked up her
books without a word and walked out of the class, and never returned.

However , as she was going out of the door, the
professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight- faced, he answered
her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for
sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your
throat!


------------------------------------------------------------

Fishing
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my
long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped
quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded
to back out into a torrential downpour.


There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph.
I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied,
"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that s#!t."

---------------------------------------------------------------

Birthday Sex

Adam was talking to his friend at a bar. He said,
"I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything,
and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck."

His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you
make up a certificate saying that she can have 60 minutes of great sex,
anyway she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled."

So Adam decided to listen to his friend's advice.
The next day at the bar, his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," Adam replied.
"Did she like it?"
"Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead, and ran out the door, yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Good Manners

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners questions the students,one by one.
"Michael, if you were on a date, having
supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to
go to the bathroom?" she asked.

"Just a minute, I have to go piss."
The teacher replied "That would be rude and impolite!" "What about you John, how would you say it?"
"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."
The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table."
"And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be
excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of
mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper."

The teacher fainted...

--------------------------------------------------------

Pregnant
An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has
missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the
Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl
is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who
was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up
the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of
their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and
impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and
enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father and the
mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has
informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal
family situation but I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter
for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will
bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a
$2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
"Try again."

------------------------------------------------------------

Trip To The Doctors...

An 80-year old man was having his annual
checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. “I've never been
better!” he boasted. “I've got an 18-year-old bride who’s pregnant and
having my child! What do you think about that?”

The doctor considered this for a moment,
then said, “Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid
hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of
a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.”

The doctor continued, “So he was in the
woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised
his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do
you know what happened?” the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied, “No.”
The doctor continued, “The bear dropped dead in front of him!”
“That’s impossible!” exclaimed the old man. “Someone else must have shot that bear.”
Replied the doctor, “That’s kind of what I'm getting at.”

------------------------------------------------------------------

Why men don't write advice columns?

Dear Walter:
I hope you can help me here.
The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual.
I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.
I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I
got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a
neighbor lady .

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married
for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted
that he'd been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to
stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless.
I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant.
I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Mrs... Lisa

Dear Lisa:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.
Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line.
If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the
vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches
solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty,
causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.
Walter

------------------------------------------------------

The Big Wave
A man with no arms or legs is sunbathing on the beach. He is approached by three beautiful young women who take pity on him.
The first says to him, "Have you ever been hugged?" The man shakes his head, and she leans down and gives him a hug.
The second says to him, "Have you ever been kissed?"
He shakes his head. She kisses him.
Rather abruptly, the third girl asks, "Have you ever been screwed?"
"No," says the man, his eyes lighting up.
"Well, you are now, The tide's coming in."


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